Highs and lows


Target makes me crazy. I go in for a few things and I always come out with way more. That place sucks the money right out of my wallet, sock monkey slipper by sock monkey slipper.

Although my new purchase cheers me on many levels, I’m not feeling very sunshiney today. Good thing I have a therapy appointment in an hour. Problem is, I can’t even figure out where to begin a conversation with her. I have so many things bothering me right now. I can almost feel the depression sneaking in and wrapping itself around me again.

I never wanted my medication to dull my feelings, bad or good. But I was kind of enjoying the initial high that I experienced after I started taking those pills. I had so much energy, and my anger kind of whooshed out of my body.

Over the past several days, it’s been seeping back. I just feel mad, mad, mad. For no reason and for every reason.

My biggest chunk of anger is directed at the timing of all of this. Why couldn’t I have been diagnosed with depression 20 years ago so I could have contended with it then and hopefully had it managed by now? I feel in some ways like I’ve missed out on so many opportunities over the past few decades simply because I was paralyzed by these undefined feelings. Feelings I’d always thought were a combination of the temporary blues and some self-confidence issues.

Tomorrow I’ll probably be able to handle these frustrations better. It goes up. It goes down. I just wish I could even things out a bit more. Sigh.