I swear that someone or something or somewhatever is conspiring against me. All I wanted was my one month of holiday festivity. Is that too much to ask? Apparently.

First, my husband goes to some dumb (just kidding, honey) conference right after Thanksgiving so I can’t unpack my holiday decorations until he gets back. Then he gets back and I schedule our family unit for a trip to the tree farm so I can have a tree early this year and enjoy it for three full weeks. And he gets sick. Conveniently

Then I leave work early yesterday and bust my butt up to the tree farm on my own. No camera to capture my son’s first time slogging through the snow to get a tree. Nope. Just me on my lonesome, surveying the frasier firs and actually sawing down my own selection. Just me driving it home and propping it up in the garage until my husband can come home and help me get it in the tree stand.

Then, with tonight blocked out to put the lights on, leaving tomorrow clear to precisely place my ornaments, I go to the closet to find the lights — and come up empty. EMPTY! They’ve disappeared without a trace. Gone. Every other freakin’ holiday-related item is in that closet, but NO LIGHTS! So I, feeling unwell from the same thing that probably has my husband still sounding all croaky and sniffling and sneezing, have to now bust my butt over to Target in some less-than-special road conditions.

I find the lights (on sale!) and proceed back home in time to string them up before reading a few pages of my latest Harry Potter book. Only to discover, upon opening the package, that the cord and the light sockets are WHITE. Not green to match my lovely new tree. THEY’RE WHITE, DAMNIT!!!!

This is truly some crazy joke that is being played on me. And ya know what? It’s not funny!