So…you may wonder, what’s that Lori up to when she’s not posting on this site? Especially since the she in question hasn’t been posting all that much over the past few months.
What I’ve been up to has been, sadly, nothing productive. In fact, the biggest reason that I haven’t been posting here is that I just can’t sort out the jumble of thoughts in my mind lately.
Over the past months, maybe even the past couple of years, my brain has begun to think about the world differently. I’ve found that I can’t concentrate. I can’t make decisions. I forget things that used to seem very easy to remember. I don’t always manage to complete my sentences. (But I have Devin to do that for me, thankfully!) I’m often at a loss for a specific word that hovers right on the tip of my tongue.
I figured it was just age. Along with the tiredness that seems to plague me.
Earlier this spring, though, I started to experience some symptoms of anxiety. Ah, well. Off to the doctor to talk about it. And then to a therapist to talk about it a lot more. It’s been good. I’ve enjoyed trying to look at life a bit differently. To try to push away the irritability and impatience that have crowded out the happier moods.
But a couple of weeks ago, my brain took another turn. The bouts of sadness I’ve felt on and off throughout my life began to take over. The little black cloud became slightly humongous. So much so that I was running at the gym last week and I almost burst into tears. Over nothing. Nothing. Seriously, I don’t have all that much to be upset about right now. Life is literally good.
So why the hell am I always bummed out?
To the doctor again. Because I figure these things need to be addressed. And address them we did. I am now armed with a diagnosis (depression) and a drug to take aim at it. I’m glad I have the relaxation exercises and the other tools the therapist gave me to combat the negative self-talk that I’m so darn good at. But I’m willing to swallow a pill that will balance things out for me. If I can find a calm center in my life, it’s totally worth it.
Dry mouth and spacey feeling aside, I’m pretty darn optimistic about this new adventure.